


Life is good

by annaspiringwriter



Category: Naruto
Genre: Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:53:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18697279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaspiringwriter/pseuds/annaspiringwriter
Summary: Life is good and I only need one





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I`m pleased to meet you :) This is my first story for this pairing, since I`m new to Naruto (I know, I`ve been living under a rock or something).  
> I had this idea that perhaps Orochimaru`s complete turn to darkness could have been avoided if he found something to prove to him that life can be complete as it is. And I think Jiraiya has the depth and understanding to prove this to him, directly or not.

He returns to his house wearing the glory of another succesful mission. Orochimaru lets it slip into the recesses of his bones, like a faithful armor, a shield against the cold.

Yes, the house it`s cold. But he won the fight without so much as a drop of blood on his part.

Yes...the walls are full of ancient secrets and they sometimes whisper to him about terrible, forbidden things. Especially when the cold comes tenfold, during those endless nights he spends lost in crumbling papers and decaying books of old.

And yes, his humble abode is empty, devoid of anything even remotely human.

But Orochimaru`s decided that`s to be expected ( _Who would want to be here, anyway?)._ It`s also to be desired. Because he`s walking a path of his own, headed towards a destination where lesser men had feared to tread. _Destiny. Fate. Wish._ And although he still is a mere mortal, he is aware of the vastness of the Universe and the resplendent power of being a shinobi. This is what matters.

The rest of them are fools, the ones that recoil from his ambition and the ones that pretend not to notice ( _Like Sarutobi sensei)_ – the screeching in his voice, the distant look in his eyes.

“But there might be someone who just happens to see it.”  It`s an idea so out of turn, so unexpected that Orochimaru is suddenly angry with himself. But his mind, it seems, cannot bear to leave any truth uncovered; it insists to bring forth something he won`t abase himself to consider ( _Not awake and fully conscious, at least. For he remembers his dimly present thoughts once, not so long ago, when he got wounded in a fight and then nursed back to health by his teammate`s soothing hands. Jirayia, not Tsunade, in spite of her medical skills. Always Jiraiya – **He sees me, yet he always looks after me.** )_

Because there are charged, resplendent, terrifying momens when it seems like Jiraiya understands. The loud, noisy, easy-going fool. The one that always seems on the run to some grand quest or pretty woman.

The one who always stops a little in his tracks to actually look at him. And when he does, lately, that annoying soft grin falters only a little and his eyes seem to plead.

Perhaps Jiraiya is astute enough to notice his growing resemblance to the feared shinobi of ancient legends, his deep inclination towards a darkness ever present, encompassing and overwhelming.  

In the end, it`s inconsequential. Orochimaru knows they both have a part to play in the grand scheme of things, but he chooses to walk his path alone. To be fair, Jirayia would never be tarnished by the same ambitions, would laugh in the face of such folly. ( _would perhaps suffer for the fool who would succumb to such dreams? who can really say until it happens?)_

And would not reach out to bring him back to light. No one would. Not for a long time, at least.

He`s sure of that. Jiraiya and the others have their own paths to follow.

So he reads ancient books until the night gets old and begins its surrender to light.

A piercing, sharp cold envelops the house and lingers in his clothes, in his hair, in his bones. It`s the chill of the dying night that announces how many hours have gone by. Orochimaru slides underneath the covers in his modest bed ( _too large, too empty)_ and stares at the ceiling for a long time.

Yes, it`s better this way.

* * *

* * *

 

The summer breeze feels warm, tender. It brims with the spark of laughter and merriment, it covers the foul smell Konoha has gotten over the past few months, with the ever-expanding political intrigues and careful, under-the-table plotting.

Orochimaru has to admit it`s a pleasant evening, oddly reminiscent of the ones in his childhood, before death came into his life, a discreet, yet mournful presence.

He _is_ forced to attend Konoha`s celebrations, but he might as well gain some intel on those gathered to enjoy the occasion to laugh, flirt and discuss half-serious politics at the same time. And enjoy the summer air, complimented by the too-sweet music, before they dissolve into autumn.

Orochimaru knows he`s not a welcome presence in the eyes of many – those who sneer “creepy” behind his back ( _they`d never dare say it to his face, cowardly idiots)_ and the ones who regard his growing power with apprehension. He`s fully aware of his personna non gratta status, but Sarutobi insisted and Jirayia and Tsunade made it a dare...so he`s here, in the crowd of already drunken fools and blushing girls, feeling the softness of the grass beneath his feet.

He spots Tsunade dancing with Dan. He`s never seen her happier, in all their years together. His heart aches a little. _I`ll never have this. Even if I live forever, I`ll never have this. It`s not for me._ The thought is not so comforting after all.

Isolated even in their midst.

Orochimaru closes his purple-lidden eyes and slips far, far away from the party, in his small corner of wonders. He`s smilling there, not smirking and he`s in his mother embrace. His father`s not lost and is proud of his son.

**_Life is good and I only need one._ **

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 It`s a soft knock on his safe place`s door.

Perhaps he wants to bring him back.

Maybe, just maybe, he wants to belong here.

“You went to see them, didn`t you?” Jiraiya says. Calm and not so foolish.

_And so warm that Orochimaru betrays himself for a moment and yearns for only one life. A good one._


	2. A night like this

Orochimaru opens his eyes again, blurry with the remnants of an illusion so sweet it pains him to let go and stares directly into Jiraiya`s own soft, brimming ones. Orochimaru feels a little ashamed of himself, of being known so well after all, being read so profusely by someone he`d like to consider a big oak with little to no brain. Except that Jirayia understands and it strains his resolve not to reach out, not to yearn for _this._ Whatever this warmth could be.

“I did. I still do, from time to time. When it gets too much.” He`s probably said too much, but this night feels drawn from a fairytale and he`s bottled this up so much he fears it might burst.

“No one can take this away from you. That`s why it matters” Jiraiya grins, his eyes wrinkling, looking a little bit wiser than usual. “And no one can take us away from you, me and Tsunade. We`re stuck together in this.”

“I should be the one complaining about it. You`re bickering is incessant.” Orochimaru tries to find some solid ground again.

“I wasn`t complaining” Jiraiya continues, moving the solid ground further and further away from Orochimaru.

“What`s gotten into you tonight? You`re not antagonizing me.”

“It`s been a while since I last saw you so open. Did something happen? Something good? Something bad?”

 

_No, just the same plain old house. Just the cold and the books and the nights._

 

“Nothing comes to mind. I suppose we can blame it on the festival. It gets to us. All these idiots pretending Konoha`s not in trouble.”

“Sometimes, Oro, the best thing you can do is to pretend. I wouldn`t judge them so harshly.”

“You never judge anyone harshly” Orochimaru retorts, thinking how true it is.

“I don`t. You can count on that.” Jiraiya points it out like it applies to them, like it`s the most natural thing in the world and, for tonight at least, it might just be.

“I know. You`ve always been a fool.” It`s true, for Jiraiya is reckless and headstrong and entirely too easy-going for how bruised he truly must be.

Jiraiya smiles and something pleading flickers again in his eyes, silent, demure, yet unmistakeable. “You keep saying that, Oro...not a day goes by without it. Am I truly foolish to hold on to this?”

He knows, instinctively, what his teammate is alluding to. But he must make sure of it, preferably before his heart bursts out of his chest.

“And if I said you were indeed a fool, would it make a difference?” _Would you leave me alone too?_ He`s entirely too soft now to be the stuff of legends, but Orochimaru feels like this might matter a whole damn lot too.

“Well, I guess. I would behave accordingly. Stop pestering you, maybe. But it would never change how I feel about you.”

 

It`s like spring`s blossoms and dandelions, like the thrill of a forbidden spell coming to life, like everything good Orochimaru has ever felt returning tenfold in this very moment. He`s never expected it, not really, didn`t dare entertain such a foolish possibility. That`s more like Jiraiya`s style. _Thankfully._

Orochimaru smiles, and it`s shy because he doesn`t normally flirt and subdued because a considerable part of him (his brain) is too stunned to react.

“I never thought I`d say this, but you are not a fool, Jiraiya.” Eyes of liquid gold remain focused on Jiraiya, because he understands the utmost importance of the moment. He lets his eyes linger on his teammate`s handsome features, so dear to him tonight, because he knows he is allowed this little indulgence now, while Jiraiya`s face displays relief, surprise and something so delicate and intricate it almost frightens him away.

“Listen, wanna go to my place? Like...right now? The party`s not so great, anyway” Jiraiya offers and, for once in his life, Orochimaru suspects this is how a schoolboy might feel: sneaking out of a public place with somebody to bring home and...well, see what happens.

Of course, he wouldn`t know, as he was too preoccupied with his grades and his achievements, his reputation as a genius and that damn loneliness. He suddenly imagines coming back to his old empty house in the morning, after spending the night at his teammate`s place and overthinking everything to the point of deserting Konoha and never showing his face again. Alone at his desk, desperately trying to focus on a book, or wide awake in that too large bed.

Apparently, he`s taking too long to answer, for Jiraiya immediately backs away.

“I thought we might talk a bit more. And drink. No pressure” he adds, hand fidgeting with his impossibly untamed hair.

 

“No. Lets go back to my house tonight. Please.” Because Orochimaru is aware that if it`s anyone capable of making that place a little bit warm, that person is Jiraiya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I`m sure there`s more to come.


	3. Prayer

Jiraiya releases a shaky breath, taking in the house. Immaculately clean, spotless in its cold detachment, seemingly almost unlived in. Exactly what he`s imagined…exactly what he`s hoped for it not to be.

“So this is it, huh? I finally get to look around for myself”, Jiraiya says, his usual bravado a little bit useless now.

“What do you mean, finally? You`ve thought about this before?” _Well, that sounded wrong. Or whatever. Maybe it sounded right for tonight._

“I`ve considered coming over and surprising you, when you looked particularly bored of everything. Heaven help me, this place is in dire need of some life.”

“There`s nothing wrong with it, as far as I`m concerned.”

“Honestly, I think you`re the only person alive right now who can say that with at least some semblance of dignity, Oro. And I`m not sure that`s for the best. I don`t mean to sound rude, but this house is dreary. This one could make anybody depressed, even without the usual melancholy penchant.”

“I`m not sad or melancholy” Orochimaru says, willing himself to leave it at that. “Most of the time, I don`t really feel anything special. I just am and I keep thinking why. It`s this sort of question to be answered, this possibility still out there. If I could just get…”

“You`d lose yourself in it” Jiraiya interrupts with surprising firmness. “It would consume you, Oro and you`d lose sight of anything else.”

“Well, I don`t suppose it would work out anyway.” _If only. If only the nights and the plans weren`t in vain._ It must be showing in his eyes, damn it, damn him, Jiraiya the stupid fool, always catching him unaware.

“And if it does? Suppose you find whatever you seek, everything and plenty more? Would it mean anything to you then? Standing on your mountain of discarded people, would that bring your parents back? Would you feel something then?”

“Why do you assume I`d do that, crushing people underneath my feet?” But Orochimaru grows increasingly certain (and afraid) that he would.

“You frighten me sometimes, when I look at you. Well, sometimes looking at you does funny things to me, I`ll admit it, but there are times when I`m scared of you, Oro. Well, I`ve always been, but even more so lately. I guess it`s kind of written on your face…how far you`d be willing to go.”

_Funny things? Is he attracted to me? Or… ah. Of course._

“So why are you here? Was it Sarutobi sensei? Did you and him and Tsunade have a talk?” He`s bitter and cruel, yet he can`t help it, can`t help his traitorous idiotic heart betraying him like this and hope that maybe…

Jiraiya exhales, gathering levels of calmness unknown to him until now. “It would be the easy answer, right? Blaming this, whatever this is, on some polite collective concern for a member of the team. But no. Sarutobi still sees you as his perfectly good student. Tsunade has Dan and that seems to be enough for her right now. She didn`t notice.” _But I did._

“Oh.” Orochimaru is incoherent and absolutely stupid and secretly pleased.

“I`m here because I couldn`t stand it… it would eat me alive evey day, knowing that I should have seen you, that I could have tried. I don`t want to be left behind when you decide you don`t need anyone anymore.”

It`s a lot to take in, perhaps more than he`s ever gotten. Still, greedy, hungry and needy as he is, he tries to wrap his seclusion around himself one more time.

“And what do you want from me? Will you tell me to stop my research?” It`s the first time Orochimaru`s admitted aloud to searching for something, at least this obviously. But it seems Jiraiya is already good at understanding his half-formed truths as well.

“No. No. But I want you to let me make sure it doesn`t consume you. I want to help you, in whatever way I can. I know I`m not as bright, but I could stand by your side. You don`t have to be alone.”

“You want to stay by my side?” Orochimaru asks incredulous, especially after expecting to be told to stop completely and irrevocably.

“Yes, I`d try to keep the mad scientist tendency in check” Jiraiya smiles, a little teasing and a little apprehensive.

“You`re the insane one, you know? You have your goals. I know them: writing, travelling, Tsunade. Have you forgotten? What`s gotten into you all of a sudden?” It`s too much, too perfect, too good to be for him. “I won`t let you give these up.” _For me. As tempting and impossible and insanely amazing as it sounds._

But before he even gets a chance to analize his situation and prepare a counterattack, immeasurably strong arm encircle him and he`s being pressed against his teammate`s warm chest, all attempts at saving his dignity lost. _Always so warm._

“You truly are an idiot, Oro. What good would all that do me, if I lost you? If I had to spend the rest of my years wondering why I was such a failure, if every travel would be to search for you, if every line would be written with hopes of making the world, the people better, because I couldn`t help you? I need you, Orochimaru.”

 

 

It`s as simple as that, rare and beautiful above even the most thrilling of jutsus.

And Jiraiya presses a gentle kiss to the top of head, warm lips buried in his spilling hair, repeating his “I need you”. Orochimaru lifts his face towards him and then it`s Jiraiya`s soft, ghostly breath on his forehead. It should scare him away, perhaps, this foolishly unthinkable bond they`ve forged. But, at least for tonight, it makes Orochimaru lean in hurriedly and a bit awkwardly, pressing his mouth against Jiraiya`s. He closes his eyes and waits for the world to end. Perhaps it`s forward, strange, _crazy,_ how right this simple kiss fits into the tangled mass they are, so right he seems to melt even further into his teammate`s soft arms. _Tonight, I could forget everything. I could do anything._

Jiraiya`s fingers brush back the hair on the nape of his neck; it`s simple and delicate, as if Orochimaru is made out of porcelain and he`s afraid of bruising him. It`s a mixture of tantalizing and endearing, of all the ways in which they fit together in the space between ribcages. They open their mouths at the same time, implacably and Orochimaru moans low somewhere in the back of his throat at how good something so mundane feels. _It`s all because it`s him._

They kiss until each one inhabits the other one`s lungs, until Jiraiya is so deeply engraved in Orochimaru`s body that he`s sure he could never forget him, until standing upright in the barely lit room seems implausible and dangerous.

“Bed?” Jiraiya whispers and it shocks Orochimaru how natural this sounds, as if they had a lifetime of this sometime, somewhere ( _or as if a lifetime of this somehow waits patiently for them in the oceans of time)._

And Orochimaru is pulling him carefully towards his bedroom (thankfully, he does have one), lavishing their way with tongue and teeth on every expanse of skin he can find.

The room is almost utilitarian in its plainness, unflinchingly cold and barren. Orochimaru knows it`s not exactly an ideal setting for a night of passion and when Jiraiya separates them so he can look around, he`s fierce in continuing the ministrations. _Don`t. It`s empty and sad, I see it too now._ He pulls Jiraiya in for a desperate kiss, attempting at the same time to loosen his own kimono. It seems to be working, for Jiraiya can`t stop staring at his snowy skin.

“I remember, even now. The first time I saw you. I remember thinking I hadn`t seen anything quite like you before.” Jiraiya presses his lips to the spotless skin, right above Orochimaru`s heart and feels it fluttering helplessly, humanly underneath.

He unties the kimono, deft fingers working with hypnotic rhythm, not once looking away from Orochimaru`s golden eyes, awash with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. “You are beautiful, Oro.”

Orochimaru finds it in himself to snort. “But you haven`t even looked at me properly”

So Jiraiya does, thinking how he`s usually wrong about a lot of things. But tonight he`s perfectly right. He leans in and whispers in Orochimaru`s ear, a secret just for the two of them. “Beautiful.”

Erratic thoughts swirl through Orochimaru`s brain. _He really thinks you`re beautiful. Beautiful? Beautiful. Say something too._ “Thank you.” He kisses Jiraiya again, with a strange sort of confidence, the certainty of being wanted. It`s easier now to let the garment fall to the floor, to let his aching fingers wander over his teammate`s body, to gently prompt him to remove his clothes too. After all, it`s just the two of them. And that`s enough.

 

 

They lie, entangled and messy, on the same bed he used to despise, to consider a sign of weakness, of wavering resolve. It feels more accommodating now, witness and accomplice at the same time.

“Jiraiya, I`ve never done this before.” _There, I said it. I suppose it`s fair for him to know._ He knows Jiraiya has some kind of experience with women, even though that`s a blatantly generous way to phrase it.  “But I don`t want to stop.”

“It`s not surprising, Oro. Not terribly so, at least” Jiraiya adds, correctly reading the creasing of his brow as indignation. Even safely sheltered underneath him, Orochimaru`s aura still exudes a faint sort of warning, like the stone walls of an old sorrow present in the distance.

“I`ll make it good, Oro. I`ll take care of you” and there`s a flicker in his eyes, a determination not to fail so clearly visible that Orochimaru wonders how one could feel so incredibly warm and fuzzy, with the sudden clarity that Jiraiya is making him a promise for a lifetime.

While also arousing him more than he ever thought possible. Jiraiya **must** feel the stirring between their bodies, immersed so closely in pure intimacy. He shifts a little to the side, taking Orochimaru in hand and tentatively watching that perfect mouth open in surprise and pleasure at the contact. He wants to take it slow and make it last, to give his all for this almost unhoped for moment budding between them.

Jiraiya gasps and shifts his gaze from Orochimaru`s face to the place where their bodies are almost joined, where his teammate`s almost ethereal hand is stroking him uncertainly. It`s nearly enough to make him come, this raw, unexpected gesture. He`s longed for this, he can admit it now, for this transcendence. He strives to keep his promise, to collect himself and make it worthwhile. He wants to hear Orochimaru chant his name, wants to carve a new safe place for him, here in his arms, a place of life and love.

He hears Orochimaru shuddering “Jiraiya” while he comes and feels that maybe, just maybe he hasn`t failed this time. He holds him close, so close and dear to him and hides his face in Orochimaru`s hair, praying that this beautiful, precious creature won`t regret him in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I`m truly nervous about this chapter *hides under the blanket*  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
